


Sex-Robotics for Amateurs

by hearteating



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: F/M, Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Humor, Sex Robots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-01
Updated: 2017-03-01
Packaged: 2018-09-27 18:22:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10038143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hearteating/pseuds/hearteating
Summary: When Pidge asks Hunk to help her build a sex robot, he doesn't hesitate before agreeing. This decision takes them on a journey with an unexpected destination.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I imagine this about five years into the future, where Zarkon has been defeated but Voltron is still necessary and also Pidge and Hunk are more familiar with alien technology

“Hey, Hunk?” Pidge murmured sleepily one night as she cuddled closer into his warmth. “Do you wanna help me build a sex robot?” Hunk made a high pitched noise of surprise and his arm tightened around her. 

“Yeah,” he answered after a moment, his voice thick. “I do.” Pidge craned her head to look at his face.

“Are you crying?”

“No! I’m just really happy, ok?” 

Pidge snorted, rolling her eyes, and kissed his chest.

“You’re such a dork,” she said.

“Excuse me? I’m not the one who suggested building a sex robot,” Hunk pointed out. Pidge scoffed.

“Who wouldn’t want a customized sex robot?”

“That is totally fair,” he conceded, and gave her another squeeze. Then he yawned. “All right, do you wanna talk more about it tomorrow? I’m exhausted.” She nodded. “Awesome. Night, Pidge.”

“Night,” she replied. _Love you,_ she didn’t say. He knew.

* * *

“All right,” said Hunk, bringing up the holographic drafting program Coran had helped them install in their workroom. “Let’s get to planning our sex robot.” He poked a couple of buttons and a humanoid figure appeared, rotating slowly. “I’m thinking we start with this, and go from there.” He stopped, and glanced at Pidge. “Is that ok?”

“Sounds good!” Pidge said, already thinking of the various features and programs she wanted to add. Hunk sighed in relief.

“Ok, great. I don’t think I’m ready for something more…alien shaped, if you know what I mean.”

“Oh,” Pidge considered this for a second. “I guess it’d probably be easier for us to start with something we’re more familiar with, yeah.” She made a mental note to study more alien biology for future projects, though.

Hunk saw the faraway look in her eyes and made his own mental note to build her something weird for her next birthday.

“So, basic human shape,” Hunk said, turning back to the hologram. “What else?”

“I want it to be matte chrome,” Pidge said without missing a beat.

“Of course you do,” Hunk snorted, as he added a comment to the design.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Pidge demanded, narrowing her eyes. Hunk raised his hands defensively.

“Pidge, we’re designing our dream sexbot. We could make it look human or Altean or Galra or like pretty much anything or anyone, and instead you go for ‘classic robot.’ Because you’re a robotfucker.”

“Not yet I’m not.” Pidge’s eyes were still narrowed, but a smile quirked at the corners of her mouth. “Anyway, _you’re_ the one who cried at the chance to build a sexbot.”

“Hey, us robotfuckers have to stick together.” Hunk smiled, and Pidge punched him in the arm, laughing. 

They turned back to the drafting program and continued planning their ideal sexbot, Pidge climbing up to perch on Hunk’s shoulders to open a side window and dictate a shopping list of the things they’d need.

* * *

It was something they did in their down time, in between training and Voltron and shopping and sleeping and hanging out with their friends and the various other activities that made up their days. Destroying Zarkon and the druids had been a major victory, but it turned out that destroying the central figure of a vast empire meant that a bunch of smaller empires emerged, and so their days of battling in their Lions were far from over. Hunk and Pidge would work on their sexbot when they were still hyped up after fights, too tired to have sex themselves but too jittery to sleep. It was fun, and if the destination turned out to be half as satisfying as the journey, they’d probably end up ruined for all other sex forever.

That was the dream, at least.

* * *

Two warm hands came to rest on Pidge’s shoulders as she tried to figure out whether it was worth it to Frankenstein two AI systems together or if they should just look for a new one at the next space mall.

“You look tense,” Hunk murmured, his voice low. Pidge sighed in agreement, and then shrieked as the hands began to vibrate. 

“Quiznak!” She whirled around as Hunk burst out laughing to see him waving two robot arms, hands buzzing. 

“Oh my god,” he wheezed. “The look on your face. Oh my god.” 

Pidge launched herself at him, and a small scuffle ensued, in which Pidge tried to wrench one of the arms away from him so she could hit him with it. Even after her growth spurt, she was still considerably shorter than him, but they’d been fighting Galra and other enemies for years, and she soon sat triumphantly on his back, one still-buzzing arm trapped beneath him while she examined the other.

“What do you think?” he asked. “The thermal regulators are working, but I dunno about the hands. Are the vibrations too strong?”

“Do they have settings?” she asked, touching her index finger’s to the robot’s. 

“Yeah, press the wrist.” She did, and the vibrations became softer.

“Well, they shouldn’t start off on high, so I’d reverse that.” Hunk shifted under her.

“I dunno,” he said, his voice sounding a little strained. “This, uh, this level seems to be working pretty well for me.” Pidge smiled wickedly.

“Oh, really?”

* * *

“For the last time, Pidge, I’m not calling our robot ‘Fuckotron 5000’!” 

“Well, I don’t see you coming up with a better idea,” Pidge replied hotly, her hands on her hips.

“What about something that rolls off the tongue more?” Hunk thought for a moment. “Like…’Jizzy’?”

Pidge stared at him, appalled.

“Hunk, I would rather name our robot after _my dad_ than call it ‘Jizzy’.”

“I don’t think it’s that bad,” Hunk protested. “It’s better than Fuckotron, at least.”

They thought for a moment, trying to come up with a compromise.

“We could let it choose its own name,” said Pidge thoughtfully. “The AI is pretty sophisticated. It could probably do that.”

“Good idea, Pidge,” Hunk said. He reached out and gently cradled her jaw in his hand. She leaned into it for a moment. “But if it decides to call itself ‘Fuckotron 5000’ we’re going to have to think of a nickname or something.”

* * *

The sexbot’s exterior was complete, long matte chrome limbs gleaming in the light. One its smaller removable dicks was locked into its pelvis, cheerfully jutting upwards. In front of the robot, on a low table, sat an alien gourd with a hole cut into it.

“All right,” Hunk said, clapping his hands together. “Let’s begin the thrust test.” He picked up the small console they were using to control the robot until Pidge installed and hooked up its AI. Pidge straddled a backwards chair, her eyes riveted on the robot. “We’re going to start at its lowest speed and power setting.” He pressed a few buttons, and the robot reached out and gently grasped either side of the gourd. Pidge and Hunk held their breath as the robot lined its dick up with the hole.

With a snap of its hips, the robot thrust forward and the gourd exploded. Hunk and Pidge let out twin shrieks as the robot continued furiously and mechanically thrusting into the air. Hunk pressed a few more buttons hurriedly, and the robot came to a halt. The room was silent for a moment.

“That…could have gone better,” Hunk said finally. “I’ll, uh. I’ll work on that.”

“Please.” Pidge’s voice was faint, her eyes still locked on the robot. “I don’t want to have to explain to Shiro or Allura that we can’t form Voltron because our sexbot killed us.”

“God, they’d be so disappointed. Or mad? Like, the kind of mad when your mom says ‘I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed,’ which is like. A million times worse.” Hunk knew he was rambling. He could feel himself starting to crash as the day’s exhaustion caught up with him. “Ok. I’ll fix it tomorrow. After I get some sleep.” Pidge got up from her chair.

“If I have nightmares about this, it’s all your fault,” she said, leaning heavily against his side. 

“Yeah, that’s fair.”

* * *

Pidge looked up from the AI core in her lap.

“Do we want our robot to have a sense of humor?” she asked.

“Uh, yeah.” Hunk crossed the room to look over her shoulder. “Can you do that?”

“I think so,” Pidge frowned in thought. Her tongue stuck out of the side of her mouth. “If I mess around a bit with the emotional parameters, and we teach it some jokes, that should be enough for the program to develop a sense of humor.”

“Can I teach it the jokes?” Hunk asked excitedly. Pidge glanced up at him and _hmm_ ed reluctantly. He gave her his best puppy dog eyes, which had about a 50% success rate. “Please?”

“Fine,” Pidge sighed. “Just give me a few minutes. And I want to teach it some jokes, too.” He beamed and kissed her.

“You’re the best, Pidge. Love you.”

“Yeah, yeah,” she rolled her eyes, but her voice was soft, and she was smiling.

* * *

“Ok, so.” Pidge placed a device that looked vaguely familiar next to the AI core. “It’s time to get sexy.”

“Ugh, not tonight, Pidge,” said Hunk from where he was lying on the workroom’s cot, an arm slung over his face. “There were way too many loop-de-loops today for me to be getting sexy.” He was still a little pale and shaky from their training that day, which had involved a lot of upside-down maneuvers and quick turns.

“I know, which is why we’re just going to think sexy thoughts,” Pidge said. “Coran let me borrow this memory transfer device, so I thought we could transfer some of our memories to the AI in order to give it an idea of what we like.”

“That’s really neat,” Hunk said. He shot up. “Wait, you didn’t tell Coran what you wanted it for, did you?”

“Ew, no.” Pidge wrinkled her nose. “I told him I wanted to see how it works. Which is true. I just…didn’t mention what else I wanted it for.”

Hunk breathed a sigh of relief. Coran had tried to give Pidge and him ‘The Talk’ when he found out they were together, and between the general awkwardness inherent in every version of ‘The Talk’ and the specific awkwardness of being given it by an overenthusiastic alien who didn’t necessarily understand the differences between Altean and human biology, Hunk thought he’d rather die than let Coran know what he and Pidge were doing. Coran probably had a Talk specifically about custom sexbots. There might be diagrams. Again.

“I thought I’d go first, and then you, and then maybe we can think of something together, so it gets the full Hunk-and-Pidge experience,” Pidge continued. “Sound good?”

“Sounds good.” Hunk leaned against the wall and watched as she fit the device around her head like a crown. A series of wires connected it to the AI core on the table.

Pidge was flushed and trembling when she finally took the device off and set it on the table.

“That was, uh, a lot more intense than I thought it would be,” she said. “Your turn now.”

“You ok?” Hunk asked as he got up from the cot and made his way over to her. She turned to face him. “Oh.” Her eyes were dark and hungry. He recognized that expression. “That kind of intense, huh?”

“Your turn,” she said again, her voice low. She held out the device.

Hunk took it. Suddenly he felt a lot better.

* * *

“Hey, does our robot have a voice?” Hunk asked one evening. They were close to finishing, with only a few tweaks here and there needed. “Like, can it make any noise at all? Or does it just make weird robot beeps like R2-D2 or what?”

“I thought that was your area,” Pidge replied, frowning. “Shouldn’t it be part of the body?”

“Uh, no. I’m pretty sure talking is part of communications, which is _your_ area.”

“Quiznak,” Pidge sighed. She tipped her head back in frustration. “Our sexbot can’t talk to us.”

“I mean, I guess we could leave it, but it wouldn’t feel right.” Hunk scratched the back of his head. “It’d be kinda…creepy, doing it with something that couldn’t talk.”

“Yeah.” Pidge looked at the robot in the middle of the room. “Plus, I always wanted to get dirty-talked by a robot.” Hunk snorted.

After much debate and some tinkering, the robot had a voice.

“I’m not going to lie, I’m still not sure if the fact that Siri is voicing our robot is hot or not.” Hunk said as they crawled into bed.

“Trust me,” assured Pidge. “It’s hot.”

* * *

“So, what are you and Pidge up to in the workroom lately?” Lance asked Hunk as he floated by on his back. They were in the pool, relaxing after training. “Or do I not want to know?”

“It’s really cool, actually,” replied Hunk. “We’re making something really special. Pidge has wanted one for a long time, and I’m so happy she asked me to help.” He sighed fondly. “I love her so much.”

Lance looked horrified.

“Oh my god,” he hissed. “Hunk. Is Pidge _pregnant_?”

“What?” Now it was Hunk’s turn to look horrified. “Dude! No! We’re in a war, and we’re way too young, and I don’t think Pidge wants kids anyway. I’m talking about a robot.” 

Lance sighed in relief.

“Phew. I mean, you guys are awesome, but a baby? I’m not ready to be an uncle, Hunk.”

“You already are an uncle,” Hunk pointed out. Lance waved a hand dismissively.

“You know what I mean.”

Hunk laughed and started a splash fight, but Lance’s comment stuck in the back of his mind

* * *

That night, as they brushed their teeth, Hunk turned to Pidge.

“Do you think the sexbot is our baby?”

Pidge choked on her toothpaste.

“What? Hunk, why would you even ask me that?” she demanded as soon as she’d finished coughing. “It’s a _sexbot_.”

“Yeah, no, I know, but I was talking to Lance today and I was trying to explain what we were doing without, you know, actually saying what we were doing, and he…kind of thought I was talking about a baby?” 

Pidge stared blankly at him. Hunk continued rambling.

“And, like, obviously the sexbot isn’t a baby, because it’s a robot and we built it for sex, but also it kind of is? I mean, we made it, and we gave it part of ourselves, and Pidge, we gave it a real personality. It thinks puns are funnier than fart jokes. It understands Star Wars references. We gave it a super-sophisticated AI with built-in knowledge about a whole bunch of stuff that’s not sex! I just. I don’t know if I could go through with it now, having sex with it.”

Pidge sat on the ground abruptly.

“I mean,” Hunk went on, “if you’re fine with it, then that’s cool. Go for it! Just. I’ll pass.” He looked down at her. “Pidge? Say something, come on.”

“It’s our baby,” Pidge said tonelessly. She looked up at Hunk, eyes wide. “Why did you tell me that?” She collapsed backward and put her hands over her eyes. “We put all that work into making the perfect sexbot and now we can’t even fuck it!” She groaned in frustration. “This whole thing was pointless!” 

Hunk sat down and pulled her into his lap, wrapping his arms around her.

“It wasn’t entirely pointless,” he said after a moment. “We learned a lot, and it was fun. Maybe we didn’t think things all the way through, but we made an awesome robot. The best robot in the universe, probably.”

“It’s _definitely_ the best robot in the universe,” Pidge said sulkily. “Well, after Voltron and the Lions, I guess.” 

She fiddled with the hem of Hunk’s shirt.

“Sorry if I ruined this,” Hunk said, resting his chin on top of her head. 

“No, you’re right,” Pidge replied wearily. She turned to look up at him, eyes gleaming. “You better make it up to me, though.”

“Oh, I think I can manage that,” he grinned, tossing her over his shoulder as he stood up.

* * *

Everyone else was exploring the city. Pidge and Hunk had said they’d catch up later, they just wanted to finish a few things up in the workroom.

Holding their breaths, they activated their robot for the first time. Its eyes lit up green and it emitted a faint humming sound.

“Hello,” it said.

“Hi,” Hunk replied. “Um, what’s your name?” The robot tilted its head. Its eyes flashed as it processed the question.

“Earth,” it said, finally. “My name is Earth.”

Pidge sniffled and Hunk’s eyes stung with tears. It would be rude to ask why Earth had chosen that as its name, but he hoped it was because it knew, somehow, how much Pidge and Hunk loved and missed Earth.

“Great,” he choked out. “Good to meet you, Earth.”

“And you are Hunk and Pidge. I remember,” said Earth. “Are we going to fuck?”

“Haha, nope. Definitely not. No sex here,” Pidge laughed nervously, her voice high. “What a weird question!”

“Isn’t that why you built me, though?” Earth asked. 

“Yeah, well. You know. Things change! You build sex robots and then don’t have sex with them! Happens all the time!” Pidge shut up when Hunk put his hand on her shoulder.

“What she’s trying to say is, we did build you for sex, but, uh, it’s not going to be with us,” he said. “There’s a city out there, and you can go and do whatever or whoever you want. You’re your own robot now.”

Earth’s processing lights flashed again.

“Oh,” it said. “That is unexpected.”

“Is that ok?” Pidge asked, eyes enormous behind her glasses.

“Yes,” replied Earth. “Yes. I think it will be very interesting.”

“Ok,” said Hunk, his voice thick. “Well, we’ll take you to the city, so. Come with us, I guess?”

“I thought you just said that I _wasn't_ going to be coming with you,” Earth said, and sniggered. Pidge choked out a laugh and Hunk groaned.

“It gets it from you, you know,” he said, pointing between her and Earth.

“I know,” she smiled, a little wobbly around the edges, and he could hear the pride in her voice.

The three of them talked as they walked down to the city, Hunk and Pidge answering Earth’s questions in between reminders of how to keep its dicks and sockets clean and compartments tidy, where to get the best replacement parts, and to call them if it needed help or just wanted to talk.

Finally, they reached the city. A bustling marketplace was set up on the edge, full of tourists: dozens of alien species and a number of what were obviously robots.

“Well,” said Hunk. “I guess we should say good bye.” Tears streamed down his face. Next to him, Pidge was crying too. Without a word, she flung herself at Earth and wrapped her arms around it. Hunk swallowed and stepped forward to hug them both. Earth’s long metal arms came up to pat them in a move that was awkward, yet tender.

“Bye, Earth,” Pidge said into its chest.

“Good bye, Pidge.”

“Bye, Earth,” Hunk mumbled into its shoulder.

“Good bye, Hunk.” Gently, Earth freed itself from their embrace and stepped back. It turned to look at the market, then looked back at them. “I’ll call.”

With that, it strode off into the city, where it was quickly swallowed by the crowd. Pidge let out a sniffle. Hunk grabbed her hand.

“I guess we should go meet the others,” he said. “We don’t want Allura to think we’ve been kidnapped.”

“Hunk,” Pidge said.

“Yeah?”

“Do you want to help me build a completely unintelligent fucking machine?” Hunk laughed and squeezed her hand.

“When do you want to start?”

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for anyone who was hoping for Hunk/Pidge/sexbot shenanigans. I wanted them to bond with the robot.


End file.
